Thoughts of the Damned
by 11X.d
Summary: As Kidomaru waits for his unfortunate end, he thinks back to his life, the ironic factors of society, and just how damned he was. Kidomaru POV


For whatever reasons that fate decided to be cruel to us I am not sure of, and I long since stopped blaming the Gods and all my ill fortune or hoping and dreaming for a warm, happy future. I no longer remember for what reason I am here today, or just what false promise I heard from the lips of Orochimaru-Sama as he took me for his puppet to use. But nevertheless at fourteen years of age, a shinobi, I stand on this ground today breathing. I am not sure whether I should feel successful or damned of that fact but each day was a survival battle for breath, for life and I wasn't sure of my fate.

Even the earliest memories from my mind hold very little –if at all- happy memories, or even memories that most children should have. Every memory was filled with a dark underground alley that was damp, familiar and unfamiliar faces that was painted over with fear, and labored breaths echoing in my ears.

I don't enjoy reminiscing about the past, or thinking of the future, living in the present is the fastest and most painless way of continuing to survive. And for some odd reasons as that is, I find myself clinging to this thing called life no matter how much it strikes me back. Life is like a bitter toxin that has its vindictive points. At times I wish I could cut the thing out of my system as a whole and watch my reflection as I drown in my own blood, but life was surprisingly addicting. It was like a slow drug consuming you until you're drowned in it and takes its malicious abuse with thanks. I have reached that point far long and ago and now I cling to it as if an alcoholic would to its drink.

Now again I find myself clinging to it, as I lie on the ground blood gushing from god knows where. I start praying to no one in particular, _please save my life, let me live, let me live._ It echoes in my mind over and over again as I cannot find the strength to mouth it. My opponent lies somewhere near me –the one with the sharp eyes- probably too praying for his life.

In my mind Sakon's fleeting figure dances, along beside Tayuya and her rough voice that says, 'Don't get caught up in your stupid games you fuck', and both of them turns around running for the woods and to their little broken piece of sanctuary, Orochimaru sama's hideout.

Originally all four of us –Sakon, Tayuya, Jirobou and I- were supposed to arrive in perfect condition with Sasuke in the barrel. Things didn't go to plan and again life choose us as the underdogs and we ran out of the ironic luck that we always had around us to avoid countless possible situations of death. I felt Jirobou's chakra decrease soon after I felt the Akimichi boy's chakra soar. Then Jirobou was gone and he is now a part of my shady past, which no longer matters. The present counts and I am reluctant to say that he fell to a sudden stop, forcing us to keep running and for him to perish and rot into the ground. That fate will soon be mine I believe. And I will play that part into lives of people who knew me and maybe, possibly care just a little bit about.

I hear rustling noises, and voices. None of them are familiar. Yet I can't force myself to move or at least runaway to safety. My body refuses to budge and my heart and mind has long grown tired of screaming at it to run for safety. I can't crack my eyes open either, and the little vision I have on me is blurring much to fast. However I can tell they are shinobi from the Leaf Village, come to save their comrade.

"Neji!" A woman's shrill voice cries. Neji, so that was the name of his opponent.

"How is he?!" Another mans voice speaks.

"Is he alive?" Another man, this time his voice a bit deeper.

"Barely, we should hurry or he won't make it!"

"Hey…Isn't that…" The deeper voiced man seemed to have noticed my presence as I hear incoherent whispers and points and glares into my fallen body.

"Is he…?"

"Definitely alive…but not for long."

"Shouldn't we take him back for interrogation or something? He could be a threat!" The woman asks. I could feel footsteps closing in and the only thing I feel like I'm able to do is trying to suck more oxygen in to my burning lungs.

"But what if his comrades-"

"Sound shinobi don't come back for fallen comrades, they're lowly cowards fishing for things to their benefit." It was true. Sound shinobi never comes back for fallen comrades, ever. Be it their commander or their own flesh and blood.

"We should hurry back! Let's go!"

I hear the rustling of leaves as Neji is taken home by three escorts while I am left to drown my own blood, suffocate on my misery and bury myself in old memories. How many more minutes do I have to live? Five? Ten? Fifteen at most? I long to stand on my own two feet again, and bathe in the triumph of victory and success.

My eyes roll back to the direction in which Sakon and Tayuya left towards, three other shinobi hot on their tracks, with much more reinforcements on their way this minute trying to save them. Sakon and Tayuya won't have any reinforcements on the way, and they'll be left to die, all because fate has damned them as well as it has damned me.

People have a twisted and incorrect way of looking at villains. For whatever reasons the villains came to be nightmares of society, it is clear the fact that society is the creation of it's nightmares and the few that are depicted are sacrifices needed for the society's twisted illusions of perfection. It would be far easier if you put yourself into the shoes of those criminals and nightmares. Society shun the different, force things to their own good and metaphorically create a circle around you jeering, taunting and expect you to take that incredible slap of inhumanity in the face for them. That builds over time until someone loses it creating a bloodbath, giving back a taste of atrocity which had been presented to them. And this could be called evil, the parasites of humanity, those who avenged their self rights and those who are damned for it.

While I am not one of those 'villains', to most of the world I stand in the category of them. The "evil ones", "wrong doers", "demons", while those said 'evil ones', 'wrong doers', 'demons' are the depicts of society themselves. And because of the label that was set upon e, and my comrades, we'll suffer the same fate as them, being damned.

I wonder if Tayuya or Sakon could sense my chakra right now. I wonder if they'll feel remorse of my fall. And I wonder if I'll be missed. I feel a buzzing sensation in my ears, and my sight is so far blurred that everything is a mass of green, blues and blacks. My voice is long dead in my throat and I can barely force breath into my lungs without wheezing or tasting the metallic sensation of blood in my mouth.

I see black among the greens, shadow like figure flash then disappear and I hear leaves crunch, and murmurs of voices as they head in the direction of where Tayuya and Sakon ran off to. IT could be my lack of senses as I near my death, and I hope so. For if that is reinforcements no matter how strong the powers of the curse seal are, they won't make it, and either die in the hands of the enemy or in the hands of Orochimaru-Sama for their failure.

My mind feels too fuzzy and tired to think about such things and my nose tickles with the smell of honey and fresh mud. Dull memories flashes and I could only feel my self grinning like an idiot at the sight of them.

Walking into Orochimaru-Sama's laboratory for the first time, the start to my ill-fate, meeting Sakon, Ukon, Tayuya, Jirobou, and Kimimarou. Faces are still fresh and I can still hear Sakon's nasally voice, the brush of Tayuya's arms in the hall, Jirobou's delightful face when gorging on pastries. The first and ever fight of Sakon and Ukon, the first battle I ever lost, and the first battle I ever won too replayed in my mind vividly.

I can still picture Tayuya's face flushed with embarrassment at a loss which Kimimarou had been present for. I always thought that that Tayuya had bit of a fondness to Kimimarou that she hasn't had for any other person ever. I never brought up the subject up with her but I noticed every blush that appeared on her cheeks as she secretly watched Kimimarou twirl a flower in his hand, perhaps she wished to be that flower or to be given the flower by him, either ways her face lit up and a smile sneaked up her features.

The taste of chocolate croissants that Jirobou had brought over fro ma different village still tastes sweet in my mouth. I wonder how I ever got a hold of the croissants as Jirobou is notorious for not sharing food.

It was as if I could feel the bruises left by Sakon while we sparred together. If I could move right now I would be able to instinctively block every kick thrown at me and I'm sure he could do the same.

Every emotion I felt during my life seemed to come back in floods. The sensation of salty water running down my cheeks over a depressing idea, the smirk of victory, the contentment's of being lost in my thoughts, the thrill of battle cursing through my veins, the sweet nothings of afternoon naps, indulging myself in books. There were so much more other unexplainable feelings, good and bad, and I can't seem to be able to do anything but smile like an idiot.

Bile rises in my throat and I am pulled back in to reality. In the forest clearing, made during my battle with the talented Hyuuga Neji, I was going to die. NO bright lights flashed in my eyes and I can't see flames of hell or the soft clouds of heaven. No singing angels rejoiced my ears no did hackling demons laughs freeze my veins. I was dying alone in a forest with no one to remember my existence as I fade away from life.

I feel sleepy. The kind of sleepiness in which you're far too tired to stay awake but really fight against the fatigue as for some reason you wished not to go to sleep. I am in that position now. I don't want to fall asleep because now I know I will never wake up from this nap.

This nap is going to last an eternity and my hands shake at the thought o it. My eyes are drooping and I strain at them to stay open for a while longer, they don't. They are no longer in my control as my body is. Blankness clouds my mind and I long for thoughts, any thoughts, painful memories, math equations anything! I wonder if this sleep is going to be filled with dreams, and just what things are going to color those blank spaces of dreams.

I close my eyes and wait for the inevitable now.

Faces appear again and I running through my dreams, swimming in an endless sea of smiling faces and memories.

And for once fate has not doomed me.


End file.
